May 8, 2013

My last post was alot harder to write then I thought it would be.  I thought that I would be able to give a brief outline of what had gone on with Bee and his illness, but as I wrote, it all came back to me about how I was feeling going through all of that with Alicia.  I cried several times as I wrote it and also the few times I have read it over again.  I cry for Bee and the fact that he was only 31 and had to leave us at such a young age and I cry for Alicia for all she went through and all she is going through now as she misses him each day.

But you know I realized why I was crying so much through the whole ordeal.  It brought back so much of what happened when daddy was in the hospital.  I was having all those feelings for myself and I realized that Alicia was now having them as well.  It became her life.  She would spend just about all her spare time at the hospital, just like myself and all my sisters.  We basically lived there.  And at the end Alicia wouldn't even leave for fear something would happen while she was gone.  I too had that feeling.  I couldn't leave the hospital when dad was there cause he might die and I wouldn't be there to say goodbye, or know he was ok.  When my mom was in the hospital right before she died I went home and then she died.  And thinking about it now, after knowing how things happen, I think my dad sent us home so that we wouldn't be there and have to experience that.  Alicia wouldn't leave and I got it, I knew what she was feeling but then again I didn't want her to have to experience watching someone you love die.   And you know there becomes this big void in your life.  It's in your everyday life, it's in your thoughts, it's in your actions, and it's especially in your heart.  Dad died on Good Friday, and Bee was really sick around that time as well.  It all just seemed to surface again.  It's hard to believe that after all these years that dad has been dead, that I continue to struggle with the fact that he is gone.

Janet called me the actual date that daddy died and said she was thinking about me.  She was especially thinking about Alicia and all that she had just gone through and she knew before I even had to explain it to her how I was struggling so bad with old feelings that I was having.  Have they gotten easier to deal with, yes of course, but it has taken a long time.  But on occasion I feel exactly like I did all those years ago.   And as Jan and I continued to talk about this, we also talked about the fact that she went through all of that with dad and then again with Mike.  It was tough for her and she again had that void in her heart to deal with.

It was tough on Alicia too I know it was, and it still is and will be that way for a while.  I talked to her tonight and told her that everyone is asking me how she is.  I said, everyone wants to know how you are and if you're ok.  She said, just tell everyone to leave me alone.  I know she doesn't mean it, I know she needs her friends and family so much right now, but I also know she doesn't want to be reminded that he's gone and has to live through all of what happened again.   She was so disappointed yesterday cause she went to his grave and all the decorations she had put there were gone.  She had some cute little bee garden sticks and some flowers, and it was all gone.  I think the cemetery might have done a cleaning of the grounds which I know some of them do sometimes, but this is all so new to her so it was something else that made her unhappy.   I'm treading on thin ice when I try to talk to her about him cause I really don't know how much she wants to say or if she even wants to hear what I have to say.  I don't even know if it's something she can or wants to talk about.  I know she'll get there but I can see it in her eyes that she's still so very very sad.

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As of January 2009, I no longer have a job. It's not that I lost it, but after 26 1/2 years of working at the Post Office, I retired. According to everyone I know, I don't do anything all day, so I decided to start a blog. Now I can blog about what I don't do all day. I am married to Kevin, who is the most awesome husband I could ever have. It's because of him, that I do not go to work any more. I love that and I love him for that. Between the 2 of us we have 4 children. Hunter 31, Heather 29, Paul 28 and Alicia 26.

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